I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
