dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
