There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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