I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
