Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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