he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
