About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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