I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
