if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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