hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
