Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
