so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
