I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
