Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
the raccoons are back...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
