You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Never underestimate the power of titties
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
