don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
