Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
