Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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