i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
