in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
