alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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