Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
