you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
