If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
