Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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