Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
