Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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