you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
