i think i have two assholes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
