He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
