update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
