Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
