I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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