So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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