You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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