You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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