I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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