Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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