I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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