god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
smell my finger.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
