***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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