At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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