I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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