You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
