I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
