I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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