I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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