My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
barbara walters just said penis...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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