I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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