I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
