Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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