Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
