I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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