bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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