I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
