So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
