I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
